A common misunderstanding in relationships (or casual hookups) is that you didn’t have a good time during sex if you weren’t making much noise. In this case, it’s simply a matter of communicating with your partner and clearly letting them know just how much they turned you on. After all, if you had an orgasm without making a sound, that’s a very clear sign that you and your body were very much present.

Below are just a few reasons as to why being silent during sex doesn’t mean you’re not riding the pleasure wave!

Read My Body Language
Focusing on each other and maintaining regular eye contact is hot as hell – no sounds needed. Seriously, try it.

Choose Your Words Carefully
Ok, so technically this is not silence but it also isn’t over the top moaning and groaning. The odd word here and there – to signal pleasure or pain – can be great for intimacy in your relationship, and help guide your partner’s hands (or tongue) to ensure maximal pleasure.

Several elements have led us to believe that the female orgasm is less important than a male one, but porn plays a significant role. It has always catered to a mostly (straight) male audience, and so it perpetuates the belief that female sexual satisfaction comes second to everyone with a penis. And while the modern-day porn industry has seen progress, thanks to more female directors, the industry at large still contributes to female pleasure taking a back seat. Add in the multiple ways that society holds women back (Hi, gender pay gap! Hi, glass ceiling!), and you can see why women struggle to prioritize their sexual pleasure.

But the tide appears to be turning, and for the better. In her book, The Pleasure Gap: American Women and the Unfinished Sexual Revolution, journalist Katherine Rowland presents further evidence linking the orgasm gap to culture’s troubled relationship with female pleasure and provides some non-medical solutions.

From Instagram posts to artwork, women’s sexual satisfaction and the right to orgasm (clue, it’s rarely through penetrative sex alone) is a more open conversation today. If you find yourself in a relationship where sex is more of a chore, start by opening up to your partner – especially if they have a penis. Talking about sex within your relationship helps break down societal taboos that shame women for their sexual tastes while pressuring men into false ideas about masculinity. Try new things from sex toys to lube to keep the pleasure factor equal for everyone involved!

Here are some sexy tricks to keep your blow job game strong (and perfectly safe).

1. Throw a vibrator or sex toy into the mix. Whether you’re doing oral sex as foreplay or want to go the whole nine yards without penetration, vibrators and sex toys can be a great way to tease your partner – with a penis or vagina – and get them feeling even more turned on. Plus, they give your mouth and hands a bit of a rest, if required.

2. Put a blindfold on. Receiving oral sex with a blindfold on can make the whole experience more intense. As your senses are heightened, your erogenous zones become even more sensitive. If you’re the one giving oral sex to your partner and they’re blindfolded, tickle their vulva, labia, shaft, balls or head with a vibrator to increase their orgasmic pleasure!

3. Double their pleasure. If this is a quickie, then know that women are likely to climax quicker when being touched in more than one area. Practise your multitasking skills by putting your tongue to work in one place and your fingers in another. Start by gently stroking her nipples and with her permission, try squeezing as she gets closer to orgasm.

4. Talk dirty to me. It’s great for everyone involved to communicate during oral sex. It can be pure dirty talk or voicing your enthusiasm, or even helpful pointers for your partner to do something that gets you all hot and bothered down there.

5. Switch it up. You know while giving oral sex, as they get closer to an orgasm they just want you to keep doing the same thing? Yeah, this is the opposite of that. If you’re giving a blow job, alternate between sucking and licking, and switch your speed up. If you’re giving cunnilingus, don’t just lick. Try some gentle sucking and see what the response is, or a light flicking motion may do the trick.

Having said that, penises can be temperamental. When a penis mixes with alcohol, weed, or sex anxiety it can lead to occasional erectile dysfunction – even when turned on – or premature ejaculation. While 85% of men between the ages of 20 – 39 claim to “always” or “almost always” get an erection and maintain it, that still leaves 15% of men of the same age who find it hard to…get hard and stay that way.

But every problem has a solution. If you have a penis, here are some simple steps you can take to help with longer and stronger erections:

STOP smoking: cigarettes increase the risk of impotence by preventing healthy blood flow to the penis.

START eating a Mediterranean diet: vegetables, fruits, healthy fats such as nuts and olive oil, red wine and whole grains have been proven to improve sexual performance by lowering the risk of erectile dysfunction.

STOP with the vigorous thrusting: Certain cases of erectile dysfunction are due to penile injuries that happen during sex. Take it slow when thrusting and research which sex positions are risky for your penis. If an online search gets your heart rate up, schedule an appointment with your doctor who will be able to reassure and advise.

START getting your testosterone level checked: low testosterone often leads to a dip in libido, which in turn makes it complicated to get hard and stay hard. Your doctor will be able to help you find the best solution, if this happens to you.

STOP burning the candle at both ends: nocturnal erections last between three and five hours, providing the penis with oxygenated blood, which helps erectile tissue to stay elastic. The more shut-eye you get, the longer your erections will be.

START being more active: daily/regular exercise in some form not only helps optimize blood flow, a vital element of healthy erections, it will also make sure the body is producing enough nitric oxide, which plays a role in helping erections to last longer.

Get Comfortable

Choosing a relaxed setting, such as taking a bath together or snuggling on the sofa, will help settle any nerves (yours, theirs, both) and avoid triggers. Keep things as fun and flirty as possible – this is not you saying you’re dissatisfied with your sex life as a couple – and remember to be inclusive when describing sexy scenarios.

Don’t Make It All About You

If your partner doesn’t open up that easily, you can always ask them questions to get them involved in this sex communication. You could prepare by doing some research on the most common sexual fantasies. But remember, there are endless possibilities when it comes to what turns us on, so remember to…

Be Open-Minded 

Stay positive and don’t be judgy, which could lead to hurt feelings or your partner feeling vulnerable.

Turn It Into A Game

For example, you both write down your top three sexual fantasies and place them in a bowl. You then take turns to pick one and read it out loud. This could lead to further discussion or exploration – or it could turn you both on and lead to acting it out, right there and then.

Be Realistic with Expectations

Maybe some of your sexual fantasies will stay that way, instead of being acted out IRL – and that’s ok. As sex and relationship therapist Miranda Christophers points out: “Many people like to keep them just as a fantasy but sharing it with your partner and possibly talking about it erotically during sex can really spice things up.” Everyone’s a winner baby!

Here are some common culprits for vaginal dryness:

You’re feeling stressed: Life can be overwhelming at certain periods, which can lead to being less present in the bedroom. One solution is to stop thinking you have to jump from whatever you’re doing to sex – instead you can dedicate time to setting a sexy mood and then get yourself in the mood!

You’re on medication: Several medications have the inconvenient side-effect of making an impossible feat out of getting wet. This includes low-dose birth control pills, which contain small amounts of estrogen, a key hormone in lubricating the vagina. The best solution is to make an appointment with your doctor and talk through better options.

You’ve not found the right lube: certain oil-based lubricants can actually have the reverse effect of what they claim to do. If you find yourself in this situation, try a new one!

You have a yeast infection: these lovely infections disrupt the flora balance of the vagina, leading to potential dry sex. Consult your doctor for treatment options.

You’re not making enough time for foreplay: There are so many solutions to this one – feel free to try just one or all of them. Watch a sexy movie, put on your sexiest playlist, buy yourself some fancy lingerie or read some erotica. Get your partner involved and enjoy watching their arousal.