Q: I just started dating a trans woman and she’s perfect. I’m cis, and I’m a little nervous because we haven’t had sex yet and I don’t know what to expect. Any tips on how I should talk to my partner?
A: Firstly, I think this is great, it’s really how we should approach being with anyone new. And as a trans woman myself, I’m here to say that trans bodies are insanely stigmatized, there aren’t a huge amount of resources about us. Hell, most trans people don’t even know how to begin pleasuring themselves—so kudos to you for taking the first, very important step!
A few tips that I can share right off the bat, is to never make assumptions about a trans person’s genitals. For example, statistics show that most trans men haven’t had reassignment surgery, meaning their genitals most likely do not match their gender identity as a man. So, your partner might have a vagina, but choose to call it something else. It’s super common for trans people to use different, non-gendered words for their genitals, that more closely match their experience. In short— when you don’t assume, everything’s good. Stay open, and follow their lead.
Q. “Keep an open mind, and walk into it with no expectations.” – Jane, 22
A: Hey! (Transgender man’s perspective here). I just wanted to say that it’s really cool that you’re trying to educate yourself. And I absolutely have some tips I’d love to share with the entire cis world when it comes to trans sex, so here it goes:
1. Sex is about so much more than just our genitals. Explore kissing, touching…talk about kinks… it’s about foreplay, increasing intimacy and getting to know your partner… and not necessarily about the fastest way to reach orgasm.
2. Be conscious of the body you inhabit. What I mean by that is, (as a cis person) be aware of how you appear to your trans partner. The words of a cis man, to a trans man, (or a cis woman to a transgender woman) about their genitals (for example), carry a lot of weight. Personally, I was very self-conscious as my body was transitioning; so anything my partner did to make me feel more comfortable during sex, was really appreciated.
3. When in doubt, ask. When get that there are a lot of questions about the transgender body…we ask them to ourselves all the time. Just talk to your partner and don’t assume anything. Gender dysphoria affects us all differently and intercourse can mean different things. Personally, a man touching my dick totally takes me out of the mood. I have some friends where anal sex is a no-go, or can’t when it comes to oral sex. Just ask, and all will be fine.
When in doubt, ask— communication is the lifeblood of great sex. – Anwar, 31