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Trans Sex: An Open Q&A

17/04/2021
minutos
de lectura

There is so much misinformation and lacking information when it comes to sexual resources involving trans sex and the trans experience. But in one way—that’s ok. It forces us to communicate openly with our partners…and that’s what brings us closer.

No matter what type of relationship you are in—everyone should be thoughtful when it comes to having sex with a new partner (of any gender). When we are willing to educate ourselves, beautiful things are bound to happen. And it truly is the best way to begin any new relationship.

SO, let’s get to our first question and then two members of the trans community will respond, and hopefully help alleviate some anxieties when it comes to trans sex.

Q: I just started dating a trans woman and she’s perfect. I’m cis, and I’m a little nervous because we haven’t had sex yet and I don’t know what to expect. Any tips on how I should talk to my partner?

A: Firstly, I think this is great, it’s really how we should approach being with anyone new. And as a trans woman myself, I’m here to say that trans bodies are insanely stigmatized, there aren’t a huge amount of resources about us. Hell, most trans people don’t even know how to begin pleasuring themselves—so kudos to you for taking the first, very important step!

A few tips that I can share right off the bat, is to never make assumptions about a trans person’s genitals. For example, statistics show that most trans men haven’t had reassignment surgery, meaning their genitals most likely do not match their gender identity as a man. So, your partner might have a vagina, but choose to call it something else. It’s super common for trans people to use different, non-gendered words for their genitals, that more closely match their experience. In short— when you don’t assume, everything’s good. Stay open, and follow their lead.

Q. “Keep an open mind, and walk into it with no expectations.” – Jane, 22

A: Hey! (Transgender man’s perspective here). I just wanted to say that it’s really cool that you’re trying to educate yourself. And I absolutely have some tips I’d love to share with the entire cis world when it comes to trans sex, so here it goes:

1. Sex is about so much more than just our genitals. Explore kissing, touching…talk about kinks… it’s about foreplay, increasing intimacy and getting to know your partner… and not necessarily about the fastest way to reach orgasm.

2. Be conscious of the body you inhabit. What I mean by that is, (as a cis person) be aware of how you appear to your trans partner. The words of a cis man, to a trans man, (or a cis woman to a transgender woman) about their genitals (for example), carry a lot of weight. Personally, I was very self-conscious as my body was transitioning; so anything my partner did to make me feel more comfortable during sex, was really appreciated.

3. When in doubt, ask. When get that there are a lot of questions about the transgender body…we ask them to ourselves all the time. Just talk to your partner and don’t assume anything. Gender dysphoria affects us all differently and intercourse can mean different things. Personally, a man touching my dick totally takes me out of the mood. I have some friends where anal sex is a no-go, or can’t when it comes to oral sex. Just ask, and all will be fine.

 

When in doubt, ask— communication is the lifeblood of great sex. – Anwar, 31

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The Virginity Construct

17/04/2021
minutos
de lectura

Let’s get one thing straight. Virginity is a concept…a construct, entirely made-up by our society…with a very long and complex history as to why. And every generation has had their own relationship to it.

In our modern times, losing your virginity or swiping your V card is still considered a huge milestone—one that most people are more than happy to check off their list. But that is slowly beginning to change, for the first time in a long time.

Today, more than ever before, we are less defined by our age, sexuality or gender…instead, we are defined by our state of mind. Rather than focusing so much on ‘the act’ itself, what if we’re all on our way toward a huge collective shift—one that places our own personal pleasure in first place. Oh what a beautiful world it would be…

SO… in the spirit of progress, let’s dispel some common and not-so-common ‘first time’, ‘big V’ myths with a quick game of…

1. An intact hymen makes someone a virgin.

False.
First thing’s first—not every woman is born with a hymen; this is completely healthy and doesn’t mean that they are missing something. Tampons, blood and fingers can easily pass through the vagina without disrupting the hymen. When a woman has penetrative sex for the first time, the hymen doesn’t even disappear then— it simply stretches!

This goes against so much of the language we use when we talk about ‘virginity’. The truth is, nothing physical is ‘lost’…there’s no biological change to our bodies.

2. Virginity is not a medical term

True!
The World Health Organization states that ‘virginity testing’ is a violation of human rights. This is because medically, you can’t tell whether someone has had sex, just by looking at their vagina. Every hymen looks different…some are perforated, some are donut-shaped and some are barely visible—but essentially, that means there can be no standard for determining penetration.

Even the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists concur that a medically accurate test for virginity, simply does not exist.

3. You lose your virginity when you have penetrative, vaginal sex with a penis.

This is false.
Virginity is heteronormative, due to the fact that penetrative, vaginal sex is the only legitimized form of sex in our society. This means that the concept of virginity alienates the LGBT community by definition…inherently implying that sex within the LGBT community is ‘less than’ and not as legitimate. Most species engage in homosexual behavior… and yet humans are the only that have yet to fully accept it.

4. It’s better to wait before using sex toys.

Also false!!
Again, tampons, blood and/or fingers can easily pass through the vagina without disrupting the hymen. That being said, some of the best toys for women are made to be used externally—and never need to venture inside the vagina. So grab some lube, and go full speed ahead on your sex toy pursuit…figuring out what you like before getting a partner involved, is a surefire way to make sex with them even better, when the time comes.

5. The concept of virginity perpetuates a cycle of shame

Yep, definitely true.
Purity is a concept…just as virginity is. The two are dangerously intertwined, creating a cycle of shame for vagina owners. Women are taught from a very young age, that ‘purity’ is something sacred to uphold. And how when a female has sex for the first time, it should be painful… there will be bleeding (false and false, by the way). This concept of purity simply does not exist for men. There are endless cultural reasons that contribute to the orgasm gap and this cycle of shame, but they all seem to stem from our cultural denial of female pleasure. Our society judges women for enjoying sex, having casual sex and having multiple sexual partners. And yet, being able to openly communicate with your partner is key to reaching orgasm.

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Why is masturbation mostly seen as a ‘male thing’?

17/04/2021
minutos
de lectura

Young men have long-held the reputation for being the world’s most avid masturbators—but what about their female counterparts? Let’s unpack some gender-related masturbatory stereotypes, by looking at the data shared in some of the world’s most recent sexual studies.

A new study published in the Journal of Sex Research, suggests (perhaps unsurprisingly) that young men and women have closely comparable masturbation habits.

This self-love study compiled survey results from 1,452 men and 1,566 women between the ages of 18 and 22. And while of course, there were a few gender differences, the study’s general findings state that, «a large proportion of men and women reported similar experiences.”

For example, men generally begin masturbating at the age of 12.5, while women started by age 13.7, on average. Meanwhile, 95.4% of men and 86.8% of women admitted to using fantasies while masturbating.

The study also debunked the notion that, girls need toys to get off. Only about 8% of women – compared to 1.4% of men—said they brought objects into bed regularly for solo purposes.

Again, these numbers aren’t 100% the same, and do vary from country to country, but the differences are still much smaller than our society would have us believe.

A study conducted in Sweden, where attitudes about sex and gender are among the most progressive in the world, found stats that were even more similar, despite gender. This is undoubtedly due to the fact that there is less and less sexual shame associated with female pleasure and the female body there. We can see this in the Swedish language, where the word klittra, (meaning female masturbation), was added to the Swedish Language Council’s official new word list in 2015.

When society starts beginning to accept female masturbation as equal to male masturbation… just as pleasurable, just as frequent, just as casual— then we’ll really be getting somewhere. Perhaps then the orgasm gap will be a thing of the past.

But today, our work is far from over — not just in raising awareness of its existence — but in exploring the deep and complex reasons as to why it’s so difficult for women to ask for and receive orgasms. We must give people the tools they need to explore their own sexual pleasure, and the confidence to communicate that with their partners, and with themselves.

 

 

Sexual equality starts with acceptance of female empowerment and pleasure…

And pleasure is an endless exploration…

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The Normalization Of Blow Jobs & The Censorship Of Female Pleasure

17/04/2021
minutos
de lectura

Cunnilingus is censored more than blow jobs and rape scenes.

Let’s let that sink in.
——————————————

But what is it about female pleasure that’s so threatening? Female sexuality seems to be the cause for much confusion…as well as a certain type of hand-wringing, censor-inducing, violence-inciting anxiety. Hollywood seems to be filled with censorship committees that seemingly love violence, but cannot bear any expression of female sexual enjoyment.

This is an especially interesting topic…because despite a dominant cultural perception that straight guys don’t like going down on their partners, the numbers actually suggest otherwise. Young straight men self-reportedly love both giving and receiving oral—so what gives?

How did blow jobs go mainstream, while female pleasure is cause for censorship?

Much of this begins with the female pleasure taboo. There are endless cultural reasons that contribute to the orgasm gap (and disparity in on-screen oral sex), but they all seem to stem from our denial of female pleasure.

To start, sex education doesn’t usually focus on pleasure. Growing up, our definition of ‘sex’, begins with a male getting an erection and ends with ejaculation. Our society judges women for enjoying sex, having casual sex and having multiple sexual partners. Even buying condoms is still less-accepted for women.

Our language tells a similar story. There are endless slang terms for ‘fellatio’, but when it comes to cunnilingus—just a few. We use the words ‘sex’ and ‘intercourse’ interchangeably and clitoral stimulation is considered as ‘foreplay’ and not part of the main event. We have countless nicknames for ‘penis’ and few (if any) for the clitoris. All of this results in misinformation, and the normalization of certain acts over others (blow jobs).

So what will it take to normalize oral sex (on screen at least)? The rap world provides an interesting case study on relationships. Just a few years ago, there was a lot of, Don’t eat the pussy and play these hoes an

d now Lil Wayne promises to, turn that thing into a rainforest, rain on my head, call it brainstorming. Essentially, there’s a shift that’s happened, seemingly overnight. Rappers now have permission to sing about their love for pussy-licking; to highlight the reciprocal sex they were having all along. We can only hope that Hollywood will soon follow.

Both women and men must understand this and really work to apply this knowledge. Only then, will we be able to save intimacy.

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5 Reasons Why You Should Give Period Sex A Try

17/04/2021
minutos
de lectura

Too few people are taking advantage of sex during their period!

According to a new study, many women report that the week of their period means that sex is not on the menu. And we get it…sort of. Period sex is messy, and not everyone is comfortable stripping down while they’re feeling bloated and crampy.

However—there are so many real reasons to look past the obvious. Period sex has huge health benefits—and most importantly, it can help women feel good physically, while feeling better about themselves and as a couple. Certain products can even help minimize the mess, while intensifying pleasure.

Let’s count the reasons why period sex can be so beneficial <3

1. Less cramps. Yes, you heard it here first. Period cramps are caused by rhythmic contractions in the uterus… a similar type of pelvic muscle contraction that occurs during an orgasm. It’s been proved to reduce pelvic pain, so there’s a good chance that your cramps will disappear altogether. Some women have even reported that having an orgasm delivers relief from menstrual migraines. Jackpot!

2. Shorter periods. This is truly a life hack. Not only can sex while menstruating, shorten the length of your period (pelvic contractions during orgasm make it easier to pass the contents of the uterus), it can also create a heightened state of arousal. Many women report a higher sex drive during their periods. Fluctuating hormones and increased blood flow may be to blame, but why not take advantage of this increased libido? During one lifetime, women will have their period for roughly 6 and a half years of their life. When you put it that way, that sounds like a very long time to be denying ourselves pleasure!

“Just grab a wipe, and go with it— thank me later!” Nikki, 33

3. Free lube. This maybe goes without saying, but many women say that sex during this time feels even better than usual, because there are no issues concerning dryness or need to use personal lubricant. It feels great for everyone involved, as period sex means that things are naturally extra wet. “ Pro tip…when I’m on my period, shower sex is my go-to method, since clean up is never an issue.” Janelle, 28

4. Orgasms & endorphins. Along with lessening cramps, orgasms are also fantastic for the overall discomfort and fatigue that often comes with menstruating. With orgasms comes a powerful release of chemicals in the brain, called endorphins—which help increase our mood and ease pain—a huge plus if you’re feeling tired, irritable, or just plain crummy. Read more about the importance of the female orgasm here in ‘Closing the orgasm gap’.

5. Reduced stress and better sleep. Endorphins released during orgasm are also amazing for lowering stress levels. Studies show that having sex more frequently results in fewer bloodpressure spikes and better stress management. Period sex is a great way to feel closer to your partner, strengthen your relationship, increase intimacy and feel more confident in yourself.

 

But don’t take our word for it— try it out yourself! <3

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