A recent study has shown that our intense lives mean our brains process everything around us at a rapid speed, perhaps ensuring we can stave off boredom. Anything but that, please! Maybe this has some bearing on how we like our intimacy. Is fast sex the logical next step? Or can slow sex serve as more of an antidote to 24/7 full-on energy? When it comes to relationship sex, the answer is a little less cut and dry.

The clichés that magazines trot out separate pace preferences by gender – vagina-owners like slow sex more (make love to me!), people with penises prefer it faster – but recent studies confirmed that neither of these generalities is true. They found that female-identifying people actually get aroused by fast-paced sex more often than male-identifying folks. But what about everybody else? These polls leave many out of the equation, and so aren’t really inclusive enough to take the real temperature of who is into what. Pace preferences are probably more of a day of the week thing, anyway. Gender isn’t what dictates how you like it.

If you are like most people, what you are in the mood for ebbs and flows. It depends on the time of day, where your head is at, even the music you’re listening to. The sex you want when you’re on a high from a great week at work is probably not the technique you want – or need – if you’re feeling kind of blue. And we are here to tell you that all of it is worthy and right. Validation, right this way!

You can elevate your couple sex by varying not just positions, but pace. If you tend to go at it hard, try consciously slowing down or evening out your stroke. If you or your partner have the most mind-blowing orgasms from slower sex, vary it up and go hard, and see where that leads you. Switch it up according to mood, place, partner(s), day of the week… There really is no one speed fits all sex.

Despite scientific advances and the testing of a “male birth control pill” in 2019, birth control options for men remain extremely limited—to using condoms or having a vasectomy, with condoms being the only reversible male contraceptive method. There are also non-verified options such as pulling out (withdrawal) and outercourse.

While the limited number of male contraceptive options may explain the physical burden of contraception on women; it doesn’t mean that the time, attention and stress of preventing pregnancy should also be mostly assumed by women. Many hetero men have expressed the desire to share this responsibility equally with their female partners. Even so, the gap in available options is extremely large.

Since 1990, worldwide access to contraceptives has increased—and the rate of unintended pregnancies has fallen. From 2015 to 2019, there were 121 million annual unintended pregnancies, contributing to a global rate of 64 per 1,000 women. This was a decline from 79 per 1,000 women throughout the years 1990–1994. But progress is not the same in every country. Women in the poorest regions were nearly 3x as likely to face unintended pregnancy, compared to those in the wealthiest countries… revealing persistent and severe inequities in access to reproductive health care.

Obviously, there is a real need for additional family planning methods that don’t rely solely on women. And to make matters even more disproportionate, women are only capable of reproducing for about half of their lifetimes… and can only give birth about once every year or so. Making the female ability to have children only a fraction of what men are capable of. Science has tried to fill the void, but multiple research studies have started and stopped over the course of many years. Some potential male birth control options are in the pipeline, but we don’t know yet when they’ll hit the market.

In the meantime, the distribution of the mental and emotional responsibilities of contraception is a product of and contributor to gender inequality. It’s up to all of us to deconstruct reproductive health care as a gendered issue.

A LITTLE BACKGROUND

Maybe you know this already but the first condoms appeared centuries ago and were made from such universally appealing materials as oiled silk paper, animal membranes, chemically treated linen, leather and even ultra-thin, hollowed out horn. Could that be the origins of “being horny”? We will never know. One thing is certain though – we have come a long way.

Condoms do what they’re supposed to – cover the penis during intercourse and serve as both a method of birth control and to prevent most sexually transmitted diseases. Don’t like condoms? You are not alone. But are we allowed to suggest that maybe you don’t think you like them because the ones you have tried aren’t right for you?

LATEX OR LATEX-FREE, WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?

So here’s the skinny. Condoms can be made from natural rubber latex. Around 90% of prophylactics on the market are made from it. Inexpensive, it’s easy to source and flexible enough to be made into a variety of thicknesses, sizes, colors, even flavors! Natural rubber latex condoms offer 98% contraceptive efficacity, if used correctly. The downside? Some people are allergic to natural rubber latex. That can be a problem.

Another option for those sensitive to latex is natural lambskin condoms – but they also have a strike against them. While comfortable, they are porous – they have microscopic holes – so they aren’t effective against STIs as the natural rubber latex or synthetic latex condoms

Luckily, there are also synthetic latex condoms (often called latex-free condoms). They give the same level of protection as natural rubber latex condoms, and also heightened sensitivity, while they are suitable for people with natural rubber latex allergy or sensitivity. And you can use them with any personal lubricant (but not with coconut oil or other oil based lubricants, similarly to the regular natural rubber latex condoms) For maximal pleasure, make sure you get the correct condom size – fit makes a huge difference to your and your partner’s sexperience.

Shameless SKYN plug here: Every condom we make is 100% natural rubber latex-free. We make our condoms from a revolutionary, non-latex material called polyisoprene (yikes, to make it simpler we refer to it as Skynfeel™). It gives you and your partner a sexy skin-to-skin sensation. They feel so natural and good, you can feel everything.

Expectation: Zzzzzz

While some long-term couples’ horizontal life is indeed boring, that’s not a given (maybe they themselves are boring?!). In reality, the longer you stay together, the better your intimate relationship gets. You are staying together, it’s safe, there’s intimacy…where better to explore your most outrageous fantasies, or ask outright for what you want?

Expectation: New sex is way better

So, here’s the official lowdown: Only 40% of women have an orgasm during casual sex (compared to 80% of men). In a committed relationship? That number moves up to 75% for women and stays close to the same for men. That’s a subject for another article. But for women, someone who digs you enough to make it A Thing is supremely dedicated to your pleasure. While one-offs, or two or three-offs, can be light and fun, maybe the idea of a one-night stand is better than the actual reality of long-term hooking up.

Expectation: Long-term relationships aren’t kinky

Stop right there. If kink is your thing, chances are you are with someone who knew that going in. And didn’t bat an eyelash. And if you are just tapping into the left-of-center part of yourself, while it isn’t for everyone, if your SO is into you, they might well be into all of you, kinks included. And boom, you just spiced it all up again.

When push comes to shove, everyone’s sex drive is different, and everyone’s couple is, and should be, created in their own image. But assuming that marriage or a long-term relationship is anything but hot does everyone a disservice. Including single peeps.

The scalp

Giving or receiving a scalp massage as foreplay can be a great way to relax. The scalp is full of nerve endings, making it one of the most sensitive zones of the body, increasing blood flow and releasing feel-good hormones, serotonin and dopamine.

The inner thighs

Because they’re so close to the penis or vagina, inner thighs are super hot to play with for sexual arousal. Try firm pressure to avoid a tickling sensation and feel free to use your fingers, tongue, or lips, asking your partner which they preferred best. Before they return the favour.

The armpits

This could just descend into a tickle fight as the armpits are super sensitive for most people. However, they can be a pleasure area for the giver as well as the receiver. This is because of the close proximity to your lover’s natural scent, which can open up neural pleasure pathways, explains intimacy expert Miyoko Rifkin.

The neck

Lightly massaging, touching, or kissing the whole neck area makes for a popular foreplay technique, but especially at the nape of the neck.

The stomach

Focusing on the stomach during foreplay can help lead to stronger orgasms. This is because your ab muscles are connected to the pelvic floor muscles. It’s also a super sensitive pleasure area of the body, so it could be a win-win for you and your partner(s). You’ll never know until you try it!.

The ears

Whether you’re hearing sweet nothings or absolute filth being whispered into your ear, it’s likely that this is an arousing erogenous zone for you. Light biting, gentle licking, or the afore-mentioned dirty talk, try them all with your partner, and don’t forget the earlobe. According to Caleb Backe, a Health and Wellness Expert, this is one of the most sensitive yet overlooked areas of the body.

Talk it out

The best way forward if someone is reticent? Open communication. While it might be hard to let a long-time partner know you’d like to use a vibrator or strap-on the next time you have couple sex (it might be easier with new partners), framing it as turning up the heat rather than replacing anything that’s missing is the way to go. Throw in lots of reassurance – we all need to be told we’re amazing every now and then! As D remembers, “When my partner first told me they wanted me to use a vibrator on them during sex, I thought I wasn’t good enough. I finally realized it wasn’t a threat, just another tool in my box. And a sexy one!”

Emotional safety matters

Once you agree to add some playthings to your relationship sex, it can turn up both the hotness and the intimacy to go shopping together. Modern adult stores are bright, well-stocked with a huge choice of gender and identity-inclusive products as well as people working there who are hyper knowledgeable and comfortable explaining how everything works. Choosing your new sex toy together is empowering. Just think of it as a new kind of foreplay.

A recent study in the U.S. found that “10% of young male non-problem drinkers reported having
engaged in nonconsensual condom removal since the age of 14. Men who had engaged in this
behavior reported higher rates of STI diagnoses and partners with unplanned pregnancies than
men who had not engaged in nonconsensual condom removal.”1 In another recent study of
young adult women, “12% reported that they had experienced nonconsensual condom removal
by a male partner, while none of the participants reported engaging in nonconsensual condom
removal themselves”.1

While the majority of stealthing is practiced my men, it needs to also be noted that it is possible
for females to also ‘stealth’ their partners, by removing or damaging the condom without their
partner’s consent.

So, what to do if you are a victim of stealthing?

Many victims report feelings of betrayal and a violation of trust—and most importantly, it is never
the victim’s fault. In 2018, a man was found guilty of sexual assault in Germany’s first conviction
for stealthing; but in neighboring Switzerland, the supreme court disagreed—saying that it was
regretfully, not illegal.

If you or someone you know has been a victim of stealthing and don’t know where to turn,
contact the sexual violence resource center or sexual assault hotline in your country.

In deciding that for myself, I redefined what was important during sex: orgasms,
connection, pleasure, affection, intimacy. And that’s empowering.

Interestingly, as I got older and my first partner and I went separate ways, she eventually slept
with a guy… and in her narrative he was the one who ‘took her virginity’.  That definitely made me
question certain things and feel sort of insignificant in her life, which was shitty. But looking
back, now that I’ve had more experiences with women and some men, it’s even more clear for
me, that she was absolutely the ‘loss of my virginity’.

It’s also kind of cool in a way that there’s not the same momentous significance to first time
lesbian sex. It’s very freeing, because I only considered it to be my ‘virginity’ in retrospect…and
not in the moment. Which allowed both of us to just focus on each other’s pleasure and not
anything else.

from what I’ve learned, sex is so much more rewarding when there isn’t a focus on one thing, like penetration or ‘virginity’—and this is true regardless of who you’re having sex with.

Lesbian sex is the most intimate sex I’ve experienced, and if you’re able to ignore the
external, heteronormative ideals of what sex should be—it’s also the most freeing.

Let’s see what they had to say :

“I was all psyched up for my first time—I decided in my head that I was ready, but when it came
to that moment, I wasn’t able to have anal sex immediately. And looking back, I’m so happy that
was the case, anal requires a lot of patience and trust…especially your first time, so don’t worry.
Foreplay is awesome, and taking it slow made me appreciate everything even more.”
– Enrico, 18

“I think everyone should experience being a top and a bottom. When I would fantasize about sex,
I was always a top…but when I tried bottoming in real life, I ended up loving it just as much. You
don’t have to have everything figured out before you start.”
– Leo, 40

“Not everyone douches before anal…there’s a whole specific way to do that, but I’d recommend
reading up on it further if it’s something that you’re interested in. But whatever you choose, just
know that sex is messy, and it’s impossible to avoid that. I guess I didn’t really know what to
expect in regard to that, but now I’ve discovered that eating a healthy, fiber-rich diet eliminates
the need to douche, for me at least.”
– Gus, 21

“Go slow! I mean, maybe this goes without saying for some, but for me, I was just so excited to
get to the main event, that I was a little too enthusiastic at the beginning. Reeeally taking it slow
is not something I necessarily expected, but it is essential to having a good first time experience.”
– Kyle, 20

“I didn’t start really loving anal until I was in my mid-to-late 20s. I had no idea how frustrating
my earlier years would be. But try not to get discouraged, you’re just going to get more confident
in your skills and the reality is, it’s always going to get better.”
– Alessandro, 37