Here are 20 questions that prove just how sexy consent can be…

And remember, if your partner isn’t enjoying things as much as you are, stop and find out why—
“No” is a full sentence…and anything other than a “hell yes” means ‘no’.

Q: I just started dating a trans woman and she’s perfect. I’m cis, and I’m a little nervous because we haven’t had sex yet and I don’t know what to expect. Any tips on how I should talk to my partner?

A: Firstly, I think this is great, it’s really how we should approach being with anyone new. And as a trans woman myself, I’m here to say that trans bodies are insanely stigmatized, there aren’t a huge amount of resources about us. Hell, most trans people don’t even know how to begin pleasuring themselves—so kudos to you for taking the first, very important step!

A few tips that I can share right off the bat, is to never make assumptions about a trans person’s genitals. For example, statistics show that most trans men haven’t had reassignment surgery, meaning their genitals most likely do not match their gender identity as a man. So, your partner might have a vagina, but choose to call it something else. It’s super common for trans people to use different, non-gendered words for their genitals, that more closely match their experience. In short— when you don’t assume, everything’s good. Stay open, and follow their lead.

Q. “Keep an open mind, and walk into it with no expectations.” – Jane, 22

A: Hey! (Transgender man’s perspective here). I just wanted to say that it’s really cool that you’re trying to educate yourself. And I absolutely have some tips I’d love to share with the entire cis world when it comes to trans sex, so here it goes:

1. Sex is about so much more than just our genitals. Explore kissing, touching…talk about kinks… it’s about foreplay, increasing intimacy and getting to know your partner… and not necessarily about the fastest way to reach orgasm.

2. Be conscious of the body you inhabit. What I mean by that is, (as a cis person) be aware of how you appear to your trans partner. The words of a cis man, to a trans man, (or a cis woman to a transgender woman) about their genitals (for example), carry a lot of weight. Personally, I was very self-conscious as my body was transitioning; so anything my partner did to make me feel more comfortable during sex, was really appreciated.

3. When in doubt, ask. When get that there are a lot of questions about the transgender body…we ask them to ourselves all the time. Just talk to your partner and don’t assume anything. Gender dysphoria affects us all differently and intercourse can mean different things. Personally, a man touching my dick totally takes me out of the mood. I have some friends where anal sex is a no-go, or can’t when it comes to oral sex. Just ask, and all will be fine.

When in doubt, ask— communication is the lifeblood of great sex. – Anwar, 31

3. You lose your virginity when you have penetrative, vaginal sex with a penis.

This is false.
Virginity is heteronormative, due to the fact that penetrative, vaginal sex is the only legitimized form of sex in our society. This means that the concept of virginity alienates the LGBT community by definition…inherently implying that sex within the LGBT community is ‘less than’ and not as legitimate. Most species engage in homosexual behavior… and yet humans are the only that have yet to fully accept it.

4. It’s better to wait before using sex toys.

Also false!!
Again, tampons, blood and/or fingers can easily pass through the vagina without disrupting the hymen. That being said, some of the best toys for women are made to be used externally—and never need to venture inside the vagina. So grab some lube, and go full speed ahead on your sex toy pursuit…figuring out what you like before getting a partner involved, is a surefire way to make sex with them even better, when the time comes.

5. The concept of virginity perpetuates a cycle of shame

Yep, definitely true.
Purity is a concept…just as virginity is. The two are dangerously intertwined, creating a cycle of shame for vagina owners. Women are taught from a very young age, that ‘purity’ is something sacred to uphold. And how when a female has sex for the first time, it should be painful… there will be bleeding (false and false, by the way). This concept of purity simply does not exist for men. There are endless cultural reasons that contribute to the orgasm gap and this cycle of shame, but they all seem to stem from our cultural denial of female pleasure. Our society judges women for enjoying sex, having casual sex and having multiple sexual partners. And yet, being able to openly communicate with your partner is key to reaching orgasm.

A study conducted in Sweden, where attitudes about sex and gender are among the most progressive in the world, found stats that were even more similar, despite gender. This is undoubtedly due to the fact that there is less and less sexual shame associated with female pleasure and the female body there. We can see this in the Swedish language, where the word klittra, (meaning female masturbation), was added to the Swedish Language Council’s official new word list in 2015.

When society starts beginning to accept female masturbation as equal to male masturbation… just as pleasurable, just as frequent, just as casual— then we’ll really be getting somewhere. Perhaps then the orgasm gap will be a thing of the past.

But today, our work is far from over — not just in raising awareness of its existence — but in exploring the deep and complex reasons as to why it’s so difficult for women to ask for and receive orgasms. We must give people the tools they need to explore their own sexual pleasure, and the confidence to communicate that with their partners, and with themselves.

Sexual equality starts with acceptance of female empowerment and pleasure…

And pleasure is an endless exploration…

“Just grab a wipe, and go with it— thank me later!” Nikki, 33

As a society, we are coming to terms with the idea that pleasure is an endless exploration. Intimacy is not a caricature — like porn, or movies, or brands would have us think. Real intimacy is poorly-timed, awkward, messy and imperfect… and it’s these imperfections that make it so incredibly exciting.

For the first time we are learning… without judgement, shame, or shyness — to become comfortable with the idea of embracing what we like and exploring it. And becoming less hesitant to say “no” to what we don’t.

Author Erica Garza perfectly sums it up: “Get a vibrator, explore your body, see what you like, don’t be afraid of fantasy, explore your mind, be honest in the bedroom, and don’t fall into the trap of ‘performative sex.’ We might think sex looks a certain way, or a guy will like certain things, but it’s important to be real and honest and not be afraid of being vulnerable about your desires.”

Because nothing is more sexy, than being real ❤

1. Porn

Watching porn is a fact of life, but studies have shown that a compulsive use may lead to an increase in ED and a dissociation with real-life sexuality.

2. Psychological conditions

This one is huge. Any disturbance to mental health, including stress at work, hormone imbalance, seasonal depression, anxiety etc. can greatly impact your ability to perform sexually.

3. Unhealthy diet

Our modern diet is extremely high in refined sugars and processed carbs, which in addition to negatively affecting our overall health, has been shown to inhibit healthy vascular function necessary for getting and maintaining an erection. The chemicals and artificial additives found in processed foods may also affect your testosterone levels.

4. Obesity and inactivity

Research suggests that nearly 80% of men with erectile dysfunction have a BMI of 25 or higher. Inactivity only adds to this, contributing to poor cardiovascular health and potential symptoms of ED.

5. Medical problems and certain medications

Health issues that affect circulation, including diabetes, heart disease, etc. may increase your risk of ED. Additionally, prescription medications often come with a long list of potential side effects, including sexual dysfunction. Unlikely culprits include antihistamines and anti-depressants.

6. Smoking

Smoking inhibits circulation necessary for getting and maintaining an erection, quitting may improve symptoms of ED.

7. Alcohol and drug use

Last, but certainly not least, recreational drugs and alcohol can dull physical sensations and heighten psychological problems, intensifying any issues that may already contribute to erectile dysfunction.

Let’s be honest, a lot of the things listed above are unavoidable and part of modern life as we know it. However, simply being aware of these factors may help you to make positive changes that could decrease your risk for developing ED down the line.

ED is something no man wants to experience, but the good news is it’s incredibly common, easy to treat and medication is extremely effective in most cases. “Medications can be lifesavers… often, these medications can help break the vicious cycle between ED and the negative emotions that ED produces”, says Dr. Snyder.

If some form of erectile dysfunction happens to you, don’t ignore the signs. If you’re interested in exploring treatment options for ED, please contact a licensed physician who will evaluate your needs and medical history to prescribe the most suitable option for you.

And the adult industry concurs. “Porn is not a how-to guide” urge porn stars Stoya and Dale Cooper. “All sex education can’t be thrown on porn…but at the same time, porn could play a bigger role — instead of just focusing on penetration” Cooper says.

Stoya adds, “[porn] is bluntly superficial entertainment that caters to one of the most basic human desires. Pornography exists and is not going to go away anytime in the near future. I see it as neither inherently empowering nor disempowering. Showing up on set and doing my job is not an act of feminism…my politics and I are feminist… But my job is not.”

In her own words, Stoya states, “I use my body to make gender-binary-heterosexual-oriented pornography for a production company that aims to have as much mass appeal as possible”. In other words, porn is “just a job” for both Stoya and Cooper…however — it does make porn stars pretty much experts on the difference between sex and true intimacy.

Here are 5 pieces of advice from porn stars for increased intimacy.

1. Consent

“One of the most problematic things that porn doesn’t show, is what consent looks like and how important communicating is with your partner, before and during sex. It’s something that’s as important at-home, as it is while filming.

As performers, we’re usually handed a 20 page contract that says, ‘Here’s payment info. Here’s what you’re doing. Do you consent to this?’ many times. There are also constant check-ins between performers and directors, it’s really supposed to be an open dialogue.

Simply having a conversation about what sexual partners want and don’t want is the best way to increase desire and improve the scene. In my personal life, it’s the same case. There’s nothing that turns me on more than someone who asks me what I want.”

2. Don’t skip foreplay

“I’m a huge believer that foreplay can truly be better than sex. I also treat every interaction with my partner as foreplay.

From texting, to dinner, to how we speak and look at one another in public — every action forms a connection, and every action has the power to make the sex that much better.

Everything is foreplay — it’s really that simple. It’s also always a good idea to brush up on tips and techniques for mind-blowing foreplay — thank me later! :)”

4. Lube and wipes are your friends

“For anal, we usually use SKYN All Night Long Lubricant or organic coconut oil*…and intimate cleansing wipes are a game-changer”

5. Be safe, get tested!

“Using protection, getting tested and wearing condoms is essential for porn stars. It’s something the industry as a whole does amazingly well, and I think it’s something we could really educate more people about—it’s so important. Incredible sex is always safe sex.”

*Using coconut oil as lubricant is damaging to condoms.